NC Reviews 2001: A Space Odyssey
by DarthRushy
Summary: "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!"


***THE REVIEW MUST GO OOOOO-OOO-OOON, THE REVIEW MUST GO OOOOO-O-OOOOON. THE JOKES GONE ON TOO LONG, NO MORE PRETENTIOUS SONGS ABOUT LOVE OR DESTINY! THE REVIEW MUST GO OOOOOOON!***  
CRITIC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. And it's time for something great. A review. *voice goes deeper* A review so infinitely powerful that it could watch a Linkara video and not get a headache!  
LINKARA: *is reading a comic* Hey!  
CRITIC: So what movie could be so special? What movie deserves the honor of being reviewed by the one and only Nostalgia Critic?  
CHICK: Khm, khm.  
CRITIC: Oh, yes. What movie deserves the honor of being reviewed by the one and only Nostalgia Guy-who-actually-has-fans? The movie is... 2001: A Space Odyssey, made by Stanley Kubrick in 1968.  
*Clips of 2001*  
CRITIC/voiceover: 2001 is one of the most famous films of all time and rightfully so. In a unique case, the screenplay was written at the same time as the novel based on the movie... or is the movie based on the novel? I kinda forgot. Anyway, the movie remains a landmark of all sci-fi and of course, nostalgia.  
CRITIC: So, let's dive right into the...!  
*Black screen*  
*Black screen*  
*Black screen*  
CRITIC: Or... not. Did I turn the movie on?  
*Black screen with music*  
CRITIC: Okay, so now we have music. If you can call that music. *taps impatiently on table* Pheeeeeeeew... *rolls chair around*  
*Movie starts*  
CRITIC: Well, this is certainly different. We're five minutes in and the movie is literally just starting. And now, for the most famous theme of all time, even more so than the Imperial March... actually, I wonder how the opening would sound like with the Imperial March.  
*2001 opening with Darth Vader's theme*  
CRITIC: Suddenly I feel a chill in my bones. *shudders*  
CRITIC/voiceover: So, after that exciting opening, we cut to... landscapes. And more landscapes. And guess what? MORE landscapes!  
CRITIC: For crying out loud, did I turn on the movie or not?! So far, this "great sci-fi opus" is like a concert combined with National Geographic combined with watching paint dry!  
*Clip of primates*  
CRITIC: Well, this ought to be interesting...!  
*Primates yell and scream.*  
CRITIC: *frozen expression* Okay, that's it. *grabs a cell phone* Hello, uh... *nervous laugh* This is kind of embarassing, but I think you got the DVDs or the covers mixed up. This is definitely not 2001: A Space Odyssey, it's some biologist's camera recording! What? Oh, it's supposed to be like that? Riiight. Thank you.  
CRITIC: *sigh* Alright, so after that wonderful show of nature, Kubrick finally brings us...  
*Primates sleep*  
CRITIC: OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, CAN WE JUST DITCH THE MONKEYS?! THIS IS SCI-FI! I WANT SOME SCIENCE IN IT! I WANT SOME GODDAMN FICTION IN IT! THIS IS A REALISTIC SHOW OF OUR PLANET'S NATURE! WHO GIVES A CRAP ABOUT THAT?!  
*Cut to Dr. Sano filming an animal*  
INSANO: Hah! Your pathetic biology and nature is nothing compared to SCIENCE!  
SANO: *boring voice* Perhaps it would be best if I told you that nature is actually science as biology, geography and all the others are different parts of...  
INSANO: *asleep*  
SANO: Sano wins.  
*Cut back to the Critic*  
CRITIC: *snore*  
*Monolith is in the midst of monkeys with inhuman wailing in the background*  
CRITIC: *jumps out of his chair* JESUS! *covers his ears in obvious fright* What is up with Stanley Kubrick and messed up imagery! First it's the eyes, now it's... this!  
CRITIC: So, after the mysterious monolith shows up, *voice gets more excited* We finally start to...!  
*Primates wake up slowly*  
CRITIC: I hate monkeys.  
*A clip of a chimpanzee making sad eyes in the Critic's TV.*  
CRITIC: *shoots the TV* Number 1344, dead.  
*Clip of the space stations in space*  
CRITIC: *immensely happy face* FINALLY! We're only about... 1 hour in in our great sci-fi opus and it only took them this long to bring in space and space stations! What a fantastic movie! *Police bursts into the NC's house*  
CRITIC: *looks up*  
POLICEMAN(played by Angry Joe): Nostalgia Critic! You're under arrest for the murder of your beautiful TV!  
CRITIC: I kill my TVs all the time!  
POLICEMAN: *pause* How much?  
CRITIC: 1344.  
POLICEMAN: *whimpers* *cries*  
CRITIC: Oh, shhh. *shoots Policeman* Hah! Gets them every time.  
CRITIC/voiceover: And now we are finally in the 21st century.  
*Clip of space stations rolling with waltz playing in the background*  
*Cut to the Nostalgia Critic beautifully waltzing with the Nostalgia Chick. Cut to some other members of TGWTG waltzing with each other in the Critic's room*  
*Clips of Dr. Floyd's long journey*  
CRITIC: *very bored* I can safely say one thing. Stanley Kubrick makes Yoda look like the most energetic muppet in the world. Well, him and George Lucas.  
CRITIC/voiceover: But, after the longest spaceflight ever recorded on TV, we finally arrive at a space station.  
_Lady: Thank you, sir._  
CRITIC: *gasp* Human speech. *is awed* I had forgotten the beauty of the language English. Thank you, Stanley Kubrick... *wipes tears* For reminding me to be grateful of evolution each and every day. Your da man!  
CRITIC/voiceover: By the way, what is up with those pink uniforms? I mean seriously, can you imagine going to work in a space station, wearing PINK?! *confused*  
*Clip of Floyd having a conversation with the other scientists.*  
CRITIC/voiceover: So these random scientists who we don't care about nor hear from again ask him about the mystery of _another_ space station, one which we know nothing of. And when this scene ends, we get this.  
*Clip of Floyd talking to his daughter.*  
CRITIC: What was the point... of that scene? Did Kubrick really need to show off future technology that isn't even future technology? And so, prepare yourselves... MORE WALTZING!  
*Clips of Floyd's spaceflight with clips of the TGWTG waltzing around, most noticeably the Critic(who is the most passionate)*  
CRITIC: After another hour of boredom, we arrive at the Moon, where another one of those creepy monoliths has been dug up.  
*Clip of the astronauts approaching the monolith with wailing music in the background.*  
CRITIC: *pulls back as if he was bitten* AGH! First it tries to lure us to sleep, now it's injecting us nightmares! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE!?  
*Clip of the monolith emanating a deafening sound through the astronauts' radio. The scene is then cut off.*  
CRITIC: *frozen* Well that explained everything. *checks watch* Half of the movie is done and I still have no idea what the movie is about. That-that's new. *gives a thumbs-up*  
*Clip of the Discovery going through space*  
CRITIC: So now we come to our third completely unrelated plotline. 20 bucks says this ends with another slab of chocolate wailing.  
*Clip of Poole training with the training music from _Turkish Star Wars_*  
CRITIC: So, after this not-useless-at-all training scene, we are finally introduced to our story in the form of BBC. I am not even kidding.  
*Clip of Bowman, Poole and HAL watching a BBC show from the NewsPads.*  
_HAL: The 9000 series is the most efficient computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made an error or distorted information. We are, by any definite meaning of the word, foolproof and incapable of_ _error_.  
CRITIC: I wonder who the bad guy could be. *thinks* It has to be Phelous!  
PHELOUS: What?! That doesn't even make sense.  
CRITIC: Neither do you... *grin*  
PHELOUS: Okay, I'm cancelling our crossover now.  
CRITIC: *silent victory dance*  
CRITIC/voiceover: So, now that we know our characters, can we pleeeease get to something interesting.  
*Clip of Poole watching his parents sing "Happy Birthday"*  
CRITIC: JESUS! This guy has less personality than Hayden Christensen! I mean, his parents are singing "Happy Birthday" to him and he doesn't even care, just look at that! Is he a pod person?!  
*Clip of Bowman and HAL having a conversation.*  
CRITIC/voiceover: And now let's play a game. It's called How Many Times Can Dave Bowman say: "No, not at all.".  
*Clips of Bowman saying "No, Not At All."  
CRITIC: Gee, that guy sure is into denial.  
_HAL: I have detected a fault in the AE-35 unit. It will fail in approximately 72 hours.  
BOWMAN: Is it still working?  
HAL: Yes, Dave. And it will continue working until it fails.  
_CRITIC: And as an astronaut, shouldn't you know that "will" is future tense? Just saying...  
*Clip of Mission Control speaking with Bowman*  
CRITIC: Okay, that is quite possibly the most forced "easygoing" speech I have ever heard in all my life. And I am *not* taking that back.  
CRITIC/voiceover: So now we... *sigh* have another unnecessarily long and boring spaceflight. Just instead of the beautiful musc, we have Keir Dullea huffing and puffing. *thinks* But it is kind of relaxing in a bizarro, messed up way. I mean, it sounds almost like sea-waves.  
*Clip of NC listening to Bowman breathing and obviously enjoying it. He falls asleep.*  
*Clips of Bowman replacing the faulty AE-35 unit intermixed with clips of NC sleeping peacefully.*  
_BOWMAN: Well, I'll be damned if I can find anything wrong with it._  
CRITIC: *wakes up* Human speech?! DAMN YOU! I don't want human speech or plot, get back to the slow spaceflight! Darn, just when I start liking something, it gives me different.  
CRITIC/voiceover: So yeah, the guys tell Mission Control that something is wrong and then they decide to have a secret meeting.  
*Clip of Bowman and Poole getting into a space pod.*  
CRITIC: Why would you turn around the pod? I mean, I know that they don't know about HAL lip-reading, but he can still see that you're not working on the pod as you should be! Plus, why would you turn the pod around when you're gonna have to turn it back anyway to get out of it?  
*INTERMISSION*  
CRITIC: *relaxes* Ahh, now if there's something that 2001 did right, it's this. Why can't more movies take non-commercial breaks, they're so good! *leaves to the kitchen to have a drink* Hey, Rob, you want something?  
ROB: *is sitting in an armchair behind the camera* Yeah, a soda would be really nice.  
CRITIC: *takes another armchair and sits next to Rob.*  
*Both clink their soda cans together and drink.*  
BOTH: Ahhhh...  
ROB: *thinks* Would you mind going out and getting the groceries, I forgot.  
CRITIC: How could you forget?! I gave you the list and threw you out!  
ROB: It happens.  
CRITIC: *sigh* Fine, but don't do anything til I'm back.  
ROB: Sure!  
CRITIC: *leaves*  
ROB: *jumps into the Critic's seat* Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Cameraman, you remember it so I don't have to and we return to our movie.  
ROB/voiceover: Well, Frank moves to put the AE-35 unit back to the antenna and then this happens.  
*Space pod moves closer to HAL.*  
ROB/voiceover: Dun. DUN! DUUUUUN!  
*Frank flies around with Spanish Flea soundtrack.*  
ROB: Being the brainiac he is, Commander Bowman leaves the ship in the hands of a suspected psychotic to rescue a crewmember who is likely already dead. *thumbs up*  
ROB/voiceover: Then he comes back to the ship to find out that...  
CRITIC: I'm sorry, Rob. I'm afraid I can't let you do that.  
ROB: And that's how- WAIT!  
*Critic tackles Rob.*

* * *

CRITIC: Left outside,  
CRITIC/voiceover: Dave ditches the dead guy whom he didn't even bring aboard to try and save, and then gets in the ship by the backdoor.  
*Clip of Bowman entering the ship through the back door.*  
CRITIC: Where did that door go?  
*Clip of Bowman BEING BADASS and marching to end the life of HAL 9000.*  
_HAL: Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? Dave... I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I can assure you now... with great confidence... that it's going to be alright again. _  
CRITIC: *wipes tear* I'm sorry guys, I just can't joke around with this scene, it's just... it's too great.  
_HAL: Daisy... daisy... give me your answer, do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. _  
CRITIC: So, after the tragic demise of Linux, Bowman finally learns why he's on this mission.  
_*_Clip of Floyd explaining the details of the Discovery One mission.*  
CRITIC: Wait... what alien artefact? *realizes* Oh, you mean the one from that other almost entirely pointless story that I tried so hard to forget. Oh, okay.  
*Clip of Bowman finding the second monolith*  
CRITIC: You owe me. Come on, here, give me my 20 bucks, you owe me. Okay, so it isn't the same "chapter" but it's still Bowman we're following so it counts!  
*Clip of Bowman entering the Star Gate*  
ROB: I still can't believe you wasted that joke on Garbage Pail Kids.  
CRITIC: I know. Makes one sick, doesn't it? But oh well, AFTER that 15-minute ride through the coolest special effects in the world, David Bowman arrives in... *camera zooms* a... *zoom* HOTEL!  
*Shots of the Critic, Rob, Bowman and HAL making a WTF face.*  
CRITIC: Where he meets his future selves and then turns into his future selves.  
*Clip of Bowman turning older.*  
CRITIC: So, as his older self, he decides to have lunch... *pause* I guess he might've been hungry after flying through space and time...  
*Clip of Bowman dying.*  
ROB: I still can't believe you used that joke up.  
CRITIC: *looks sad.*  
*2001 theme plays in the background of them looking sad together.*  
CRITIC: My opinion of this movie: Well, other than the length of the spaceflight sequences and the Dawn of Man chapter, it was... pure sci-fi gold. I... have no words. Not that words are necessary for this movie.  
CRITIC: I was the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!  
***THE REVIEW MUST GO OOOOO-OOO-OOON, THE REVIEW MUST GO OOOOO-O-OOOOON. THE JOKES GONE ON TOO LONG, NO MORE PRETENTIOUS SONGS ABOUT LOVE OR DESTINY! THE REVIEW MUST GO OOOOOOON!***


End file.
